Random Thoughts #4

May 11, 2022 - 11:50 pm

It's late in the evening (pun intended). And here I am still awake. Sleep eludes me these past few days.

Two days have passed since the elections and still, I cannot move forward. The pain is lingering. I am still mourning as if someone passed away. For the past two days, my emotions are in shambles - I've cried, laughed, thrown fits of anger in the air, and cried again. I feel like I am going crazy. All of this is because of the outcome of the said elections.

I've always been invested in the elections since time immemorial but this one is what I can say is where I'm most invested in. Maybe because we know the evil we need to fend off. We know the perils that await us once they get back in power. And also we knew that among the sea of candidates - there's one who stands up the most. She's the "dream candidate" as foreign media names her - no records of corruption, have accountability, is a servant of the public and the marginalised, and has a clean track record. Finally, we are not going to resort to a lesser evil. We can vote for someone we really want.

But this has been an uphill battle. It's a literal battle between good and evil. The other camp has been trying to revise its dark history and has strong machinery. They have an army of trolls, fake news peddlers and a network that keeps backing them up. Add the religious cults that have very questionable morals. Also, they are using social media to disseminate misinformation/disinformation.

But we fought back. We battled fake news, did rallies (which I attended once), and did house-to-house campaigns in the hopes we could beat the doom that is waiting upon us. We have high hopes that despite all the mudslinging and maligning that is being thrown at her, people will be enlightened and will choose who is the right one to lead.

But we were wrong - oh so wrong. We've failed to see the bigger picture - that the smear campaign and revisionism that this camp has been doing all along have been ingrained in the masses and now we're here - the son of the former dictator running for the presidency and the daughter of the incumbent president (who has a lot of issues as well) who is her vice president is leading the race and are assumed to take the position.

This must not be true, I thought. But reality slaps me hard in the face.

To be fair, I am not mad nor bitter that the ones I am rooting for did not win. It's not that feeling. What I am feeling right now is grief because once again as Filipinos - we lost the chance to good governance. We let it slip into our hands. The results are disheartening and the air of hopelessness is present in everyone who has joined the fight.

We are in total disarray right now. A lot of people shouting about anomalies, and too much schadenfreude is present as some people who have an ego the size of Russia are celebrating that their candidates are winning not because they want better governance, they just want to shove it in our face.

As for myself, like I said I'm still at loss. A lot of thoughts have crossed my mind: Am I not loud enough? Did I do my part? Was I able to serve my motherland? Or am I too complacent and comfortable within my echo chamber that I forgot to look past it? What happened wrong along the way?

Or maybe... I was too idealistic for my fellow folks?

I always have hopes for my countrymen - that they will always choose what is right and what is fair. Just like how our heroes have fought for our independence. That flame always ignites in my heart and never falters - up until now.

Maybe the stories of our great heroes and our history of defending our freedom are really just an imprint of history now and we cannot replicate it again. Maybe the generation has been different now. Maybe the Filipinos aren't really worth fighting for...

For a very long time, we've been extending our hands to them - helping them the best way we can. But what do we get? They spit on our very faces the moment they get a chance. They love biting the hands of those who feed them.

I am not being vengeful, spiteful or even asking for a debt of gratitude. What we want is for them to uplift themselves and choose the one that uplifts them too. It's for their benefit as well. But we keep getting the short end of the stick. Now some people are gaslighting and antagonising us just because we are venting our frustration about helping, even invalidating our feelings and coping methods. This is too much. It's really hard to break the cycle when people keep choosing it. It's hard to help someone who does not want to help themselves.

What the Filipinos have done has pushed me towards apathy and it has been too much for me. All hopes for my fellowmen have crumbled and now I see all of them differently. This place has been a hellhole and they themselves are the ones digging for it. Maybe it's high time for me to focus my energy on myself and the people I cared about the most.

And for my country and fellow folks, remember that I've loved you. I've loved you even if it's hard to do. I've loved you even if it's tough. And I've loved you even if it seems impossible. But now, I don't know. I just... don't know.

P.S.

I am at the height of my emotions right now and very fragile. I do not speak for the general who feels the same way. I know you might find some of my reasoning faulty but the purpose of this is just to vent out my feelings and disappointment.

P.P.S.

Now that the majority has spoken, I will accept this decision but I won't be mum about it. I will keep an eye on and be critical of this administration. If they do good, I will wholeheartedly accept that and will be glad to be proven wrong. But the moment shit hits the fan, I will take it against all the people who enabled them. I will constantly remind them that they deserve it because this is what they wanted in the first place and that they lost the chance to redemption when they chose to blatantly ignore the facts.